Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Let love in.

Since my children live about 14 hours away, nearly halfway across the country, I don't always know how to picture my future.  I never know when they'll move back here, or if they'll move back here, or when they do, if they'll live with me or their dad, or if it'll be a split custody arrangement.  There's no way to know.  So most of the time, it's easier just to pretend like they'll live far away forever.  It's just slightly less heartbreaking than getting my hopes up that they'll be back to live in my house one day, and then realizing that maybe they won't.  So when I think about the future, I envision weekend visits and holidays together.  I try not to think about waking up on school mornings to fix breakfast and get their coats and backpacks on before they head off for the day because it's too heartbreaking to think that maybe I won't have that one day.  It's too painful to let the happy thoughts in, so I close up and I close off to letting anyone and anything. I don't want to be a weekend mom.  I don't want to be an across the country mom.  My kids have a wonderful father, but they need their mama too, and it's hard to envision living with them once again when they're just so far away.  I was a stay at home mom for three years.  It was exhausting and wonderful and playful and yeah, sometimes a little bit too much to handle mentally.  But I provided everything my littles needed day in and day out.  When Daddy was gone training up as a soldier, or working long shifts as a policeman, I was there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for my littles.  It's been a hard adjustment to go from stay at home mom to across the country mom.

Anyway, all of that brings me to the thought that spurred all of that.  When I've tried to picture my future relationships, I've questioned to myself whether I'd ever live with a man again, or whether I'd ever marry again.  For that matter, I've wondered whether I'd ever want to live with someone before marriage, or if this time, I'd wait until the rings were on before moving in together.  I've wondered whether more kids will come along one day, be it by birth or marriage.  It's weird, I guess, to think about what my kids' lives will be like as they grow up.  I remember what it was like when my parents remarried, and I first gained two new siblings, and later, three siblings more. So I wonder now how many brothers and sisters my own kids will have, whether step or half..  I wonder if they'll have a stepmom and a stepdad. I'm not especially close to my own stepparents, but as an adult, I can appreciate the roles they played in my life as I grew up.  I always lived with my mom and my stepdad, but I never appreciated the hand my stepfather had in helping me become an adult until I was already an adult.  I never lived in a house with my stepmom, and I've truly never had much connection with her either, but I can appreciate the support she gave to my father after my parents' divorce.  My mom has been remarried for 14 years, and my dad for, I believe, 12 years.  I'm not yet 24 years old, so those marriages have lasted for a significant period of my life.  So I wonder now, who the people are that will one day be a part of my child's lives everyday.  I wonder when or if my ex husband will remarry, and if my kids will like her.  I hope that one day I'll remarry, and I wonder if I'll have stepchildren, how those kids will like my kids, and how they'll interact.  I wonder if, when I'm looking to buy my first house, I'll be looking for a three bedroom house for myself and my two kids, or if I'll be looking at bigger houses.  Will there be rooms for stepchildren?  Rooms for more children that, maybe one day, I'll have?  It's a lot to ponder, but it's fun and it's scary, and I love it.

 I don't think that anybody could ever love my children the way that Jesse and I do, or that I'll ever be able to love another man's child the way they he loves his own.  But the way I see it, everybody in the world could use more love.  You can never get enough, right? So if my ex husband can find a woman who will even try to love my children the way that he does, or if I can find a man who can try to love my babies like he loves his own, I'm happy with that.  I'm inviting, with open arms, the opportunity to let those in who can love my children as they grow through childhood into adolescence and beyond.  I'm letting love in.  For me. For my kids.  For my life and for my future.

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