Monday, April 29, 2013

Where Loyalties Lie.

I had a conversation this evening about friendships and loyalties and how the two are connected. I feel like I learn something new about myself every time I get into any kind of intellectual conversation with others. I still struggle with events that have gone down that affected me. I’m told that I am extremely loyal friend, and until today, I saw that as a very positive quality. Upon further thought and assessment, I’m not so sure. I feel like I give people way too leniency and forgive far too easily. I get nostalgic and cling to memories. A familiar song comes on or my eyes fixate on a date on the calendar, and I get all chummy remembering this or that or him or her. It’s a ridiculous quality of mine.

I have no idea how to process the things I feel about situations that have hurt me in the past. Is it worth my time and energy and friendship to continue to feed and fuel friendships that still surround with me painful heartache and a sick stomach? Although Jesse and I have ended our marriage every way but legally (yet), he continues to break my heart again and again. I guess that’s to be expected when little kids are in the mix and some sort of amicable ground is trying to be found, but damn it, it still stings and cuts like a knife. I know I need to reevaluate what I’ve stood for, apologies I’ve given, and where my loyalties lie, but I feel clueless in how to do that, and just when I think I’ve figured it out, those ridiculous memories come around making me feel all nostalgic again.

Sunday, April 14, 2013


I met a friend for late night appetizers and a beer tonight, just to hang out and catch up since it's been a little while since we'd been able to do that. Upon updating him of the last couple of weeks of my life and some shared stories between us, he proclaimed that I get too easily attached to people. Immediately, I began defending myself, and the subject quickly changed to something completely unrelated. But I keep thinking about what he said, and realizing how true that really is. I'm not sure why I find myself getting so close to people so quickly, but I think it's something I need to work on. As a result of my attachment, I end up taking things personally that I know shouldn't be, and getting my feelings hurt by people who shouldn't have that sort of power over me.

Since my separation from Jesse, I've gone on lots and lots of dates. Realistically, more than I could probably remember or count. Of all of those dates and people, I've only found myself having true feelings for one person that have stuck with me for several months now. I'm not confident that anything will ever come of that particular friendship, but it's nice to think and wonder about. Sure enough, I've felt little flutters from other dates I've been on, but they quickly dwindled or the chemistry was never there, yet somehow I still find myself getting attached, no matter what. How do you change that? How do you tell yourself to chill out and just let things happen as they happen? I feel like I need a guidebook on dating and relationships. Any suggestions? No seriously, I feel like I'm a confused girl in middle school getting flutters when any cute boy's eyes happen to cross me, and that's just not sensible for a grown woman.

I have much more to say, but it's got to be saved for another day. 11:25pm and my eyelids are feeling heavy and begging to close. Update soon, I promise.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Voices tell me I should carry on.

I've been writing this blog post in my head for weeks now, thinking of the things I need to say, things I need to get out. But when I sit down to do it, my head goes fuzzy and I can't manage to pull the thoughts to my fingertips. I guess a steady stream of conscious thought is the only way I'll ever be able to get out what I need to. I'm hoping this is therapeutic for me, since so much has gone on that I haven't been able to process yet.

I'm trying to figure out how my life is in the state that it's in now, and I'm no closer to figuring it out than when I started over a year ago. I'm nowhere where I thought I'd be when I was picturing my future, and I have no idea where I'm going. I've been separated for 8 months (as of today, actually). I thought I'd have started to move on by now, but I still cry for the family that will never be again. I've tried everything within my own power to make my husband fix mistakes that were made on his part, but it's not something he's willing to do or even feels capable of doing. Nothing I say is convincing enough, and I'm left wondering what I could have done to be so unwanted by my best friend in the whole world. I never asked to be cheated on, I never asked for this separation, and I certainly didn't ask not to see my children every single day. But yet, all of those things happened, and I'm struggling to cope with where I go next.

Eight years I've spent as one half of an imperfectly perfect love. Through struggles and triumphs and laughs and giggles and tears and cuddles, I grew from a child of 15 into a woman of 22 with my hero by my side, and two beautiful children that joined us for the ride. But now I'm 23, and I live in a lonely one bedroom apartment with echoes of my children's laughter and blank spaces where their toys should be scattered. The bed I sleep in at night is mine alone, not the shared home of a husband and wife. Meals are fixed for one and hugs and kisses to my children are passed via video chat. It is a truly lonely place.

I've been thrown a lot of curveballs in my fairly short life, but this one was one I really never saw coming. From spending the first 5 months of my marriage alone while my husband served his country in Korea, to nearly losing my beautiful boy to a miscarriage, I've learned and grown and become a strong woman. But I don't think there's strength out there for the pain you feel when you learn the devastating news that you just weren't enough for your husband. But in spite of the struggles we've faced, he still holds the other half of my heart. I dream about him every night, and I see his face in all of the little reminders I find in my day to day life. Every song on the radio is about him and me, and every place from Greenville to Fort Polk and across the ocean has some memory tied to the last 8 years. He tells me I'll move on, but I can't begin to fathom how to move on from the kind of love we had. How in the world do you put that on a shelf and open the next chapter? My beautiful children carry the face of their father, and in their eyes, I see his love. Everyday, my heart breaks at the thought of all that I've lost at the hands of another woman. My children will never know what it's like to have parents that love each other, parents that live in the same house. At nearly 2 and 4 years old, they will have no recollection of what it was like when their parents were so madly in love that the rest of the world was a blur. They will never experience Christmas mornings with Mama and Daddy, and they'll never get to go on family vacations. They've lost so much that they never even had a chance to desire, and my heart breaks for them. They've been condemned to one parent homes for the rest of their childhood, and every day, they will wake up missing one of their parents, whether they are streets, states, or countries away. Mistakes were made that they hold no responsibility to, but bear the brunt of the consequences for.

Someone has to tell me that one day, this will all just be long lost memories, that life goes on, and one day, sooner or later, I will move on from this. On my drive home from Louisiana today, the majority of my time was spent listening to this song on repeat, and it continues to loop in my mind as I write this.

Just Give Me a Reason by Pink featuring Nate Ruess

"Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again."