Sunday, March 27, 2016


Marriage is really freaking hard. I'm not kidding. I have a hard enough time knowing what the hell is going on inside of my own head most of the time, but in a marriage? I feel like I have to also know what is going on inside of somebody else's head. It is probably... No, definitely... the hardest thing I have ever done. Parenting comes semi-naturally, I think. Sure, I may be screwing them up in the long run, but I at least feel confident while I am making the decisions. In a marriage, I feel like I am always guessing, like one of those Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books. It is scary, and most days I feel like I am failing at making the 'right' decisions. Marriage takes a lot more than just loving someone, that's for sure. It is scary and real and it will make you feel like you have no fucking idea what you are doing.

Clearly, tonight has been one of those nights where I have no idea what happened or why I am up right now with no idea of what the last two hours entailed. But ya know what? I fucking love him, and I will go to the ends of this Earth to figure out how a fully functioning marriage works because by God, I can't imagine life without this wonderful, sexy, incredibly smart & talented man by my side because I don't want to. 

I feel like I have never been married before because marriage has never felt like 'this' before. 'This' means scary & real &, did I mention, scary? It means stupid arguments over text messages and completely misreading each other some nights. It means screwing up and having no idea how to push the reset button, but trying (and failing) to push it anyway. It is all of the hugs and kisses and love you could ever possibly want, but maybe not all in one night. It is not knowing what the fuck I am talking about, but absolutely loving and appreciating the man fast asleep beside me because there is no other soul on this planet that I would rather do this life with.

Marriage: it's funny and terrifying and completely fly-by-night. Spencer, what the hell are we doing? I don't know, but I want more. I know I am crazy and confusing and you know what? I love you.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Honoring A Hero

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

In the last six days, I have seen my community come together in love & solidarity amidst a tragedy. Our beautiful little corner of the world here in upstate South Carolina was dark but for a moment last Friday, March 18, when an officer of local law enforcement lost his life at the hands of a criminal, a gang member, a child. I cannot begin to fathom what his friends and family have felt over the last week because I know that even with the sincerest use of my imagination, what I muster up cannot come close to the sinking reality of losing a friend or family member so tragically.

When I first heard the news that an officer had been fatally wounded, I felt the automatic sadness that comes from hearing such news. I flashed back to life several years ago, when fear of my ex husband not coming home everyday was very real in my world.  My ex husband is a former police officer, and I remember the feeling I had for his position as the spouse. It was fear mixed with pride, and I spent many nights in my younger years praying, to who I'm not sure, but praying that I would never have to explain why Daddy wasn't coming home anymore to my two young toddlers. If you have never been a part of a LEO family, I'm not sure you can adequately understand the bit of fear you feel when you kiss your significant other, or son, or mother, or father, knowing that there is a true reality of them meeting a fateful end when they don that patrol belt and bulletproof vest. So in the middle of the night last Friday, while I was up to feed the baby, I read the news that turned this nameless officer into a very real person, and one that I had actually met in passing before. I felt compelled to share his identity with my husband right then & there, at 4 in the morning, and we shared the sadness in the dark of our bedroom.  For the next several days, the news of his passing, thoughts of his family, and questions about what we could do to support those left behind, all stayed at the forefront of our minds.

Officer Allen Jacobs left behind in this earthly world two young sons, a beautiful, loving wife, and a sweet unborn baby girl. What I have witnessed from my community since his passing has been nothing short of beautiful. I have seen love and solidarity come out in droves. We have all watched Officer Jacobs' patrol car become beautifully adorned in flowers, cards, pictures, little pieces of memories that people felt compelled to share. 

When I told my four year old son of the news, he immediately was concerned for the two boys close to his age. He began asking lots of questions about why God would let them lose their daddy. These were questions I was unable to come up with any answers to. His answer to the sadness, though, was to make a card for the boys. He was sad that they were sad, and he told me that a card would make him feel a little bit better if he were sad, so he set to work. He later approached me to tell me he was sad about their unborn baby sister too. "When will she be born?" he asked me, and I told him she was expected to be born right around his own little sister's birthday. He immediately got very excited, and said to me, "I hope she's born on Lyric's birthday, and you know why? If she's born on Lyric's birthday, they can be friends always and she will never have to be sad on her birthday because she will have a friend for life." My heart ached with love and sadness and pride at my young boy's response to this entire tragedy. 

I have read biographies and articles and heard snippets of Allen Jacobs' life, and confidently, I can say that he led an honorable and influential life. I am saddened at this terrible loss, but I feel respect and admiration for the unity I have felt within my community. I feel certain that the family of Officer Jacobs will be wrapped in loving arms and have support from every corner.  I am grateful that from the ashes of tragedy, a cloak of love has been formed.

"Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." Matthew 5:9

Officer Allen Lee Jacobs
E.O.W. March 18, 2016

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

A tale of bullshit.

I have to wonder if I will ever overcome the struggle that began 4 years ago. I find myself daydreaming (day-nightmaring?) almost every single day about being cheated on. Not in the I-think-my-husband-would-cheat-on-me kind of way, but in the let-me-create-an-elaborate-tale-of-how-he-could-cheat-on-me kind of way. And I don't even realize that I'm doing it until the stupid tale has already been spun.

It's unfair to myself to continually be in this mindset that no matter what I do or how hard I love or the passion that I try to put into being a wonderful wife, the voice inside will never allow myself to believe that who I am will always be enough. This is basically what I was getting at in my post from two years ago, when I talked about how I felt that I was Never enough.

The hardest part about the tornado that my mind sends itself into is that I have zero, none, absolutely no reason to ever feel that my husband would so much as think about another woman in the way that only I, his wife, should be thought of.  But still, time after time, my brain works itself into a long line of thought about things that maybe I should have done differently that could maybe one day lead to being cheated on again.  What I mean by that is - I question myself constantly.  I wasn't very chipper this morning, what if a random woman he works with is more cheerful than I was this morning?  I didn't put on make up yesterday, I bet he noticed and wonders why I'm not putting effort into myself.  I still have the rest of the baby weight to lose, I wonder if it took his ex wife this long to lose the baby weight.  Let me be clear, I have an unbelievably supportive and uplifting husband.  I really mean that.  He calms these unreasonable fears and never jump starts the cycle of thought by his own doing.  But inevitably and unfairly, there they always are. 

I don't know how to break this cycle, so instead I just get angry.  I divert my anger towards my ex husband who is responsible for this damage to my mind and my spirit.  In our years of marriage, the idea of a person cheating on another person - that's just in the movies, right?  That could surely never happen to us because.  Because.  So I never unfairly gave way to any thought about him ever cheating on me, and then he so kindly took my love and trust into the arms of another woman, and broke me in the process.  I truly feel from the bottom of my soul that it was for the best that I became the cheated on wife because, in all honesty, I never could have felt the happiness I feel now.  I was happy in the marriage, sure.  If anyone had ever asked,  I would have gone into a long winded speech of praise for my faithful and loving husband and our wonderful marriage.  But now that I am on the other side, I was so naive.  I wasn't happy - I was content.  I poured most of my energy into making friends online that could sympathize with my situation of displaced Army wife.  He focused his energy on work and physical training and video games and baseball.  I focused my energy on kids and military spouse forums.  We didn't spend time together; we merely spent time alone within feet of each other.  It was probably the perfect storm to create infidelity, though I never would have seen it for myself in the moment. 

My point is - what I experience now in my relationship is far beyond that.  I am happier, more fulfilled, and grateful, so grateful for what my life consists of now. But that is why the torment I put myself through is so much more terrible.  My husband doesn't deserve to be mentally placed into these situations where I imagine the countless ways he could one day break my heart.  I trusted wholeheartedly a man that would crush me, and because of that, I don't allow myself to extend this same courtesy of trust to my husband when he is someone who undoubtedly deserves it. It doesn't help that infidelity is everywhere, always planting ridiculous seeds and new, fun scenarios that I just drop myself and my husband right into.  In the middle of reading a wonderful book about a lovely couple (man, these two remind me of Spencer and me!), BAM! The man decides to cheat on his girlfriend out of nowhere.  Girl moves on from this broken heart and later gets married to a seemingly great guy.  Years later, BAM! Her husband is caught sleeping with her boss.  What the fuck, world?  Why is infidelity so fun to write about?  Why is it always included in just about every story line of every book and movie I seem to find?  (I'm looking you in the eyes, Love Actually.)

Now, all of that aside, I know I have the issue here.  I'm not sure how to overcome this.  I honestly fear that I never will.  On the one hand, I know that it is contained inside my own head and would never cause any actual doubt or mistrust towards my husband, but on the other hand, who wants to have to deal with that forever because of some jerky ex-husband's actions?  It is not fun, and I am determined to squash those nightmare bunnies (get it? like dust bunnies?) back into the deep, dark crevices of my brain.  Or better yet, I'd love to just Swiffer those bastards right the fuck out of there.  Wish me luck.