Friday, November 20, 2015


I should stay off social media when anything of any significance is happening in the world. But I don't, so I let off steam by ranting a little. I am reminded how intolerant the world is, and it hurts my heart and my brain. I am still recovering from the ups and downs of postpartum hormones, so my emotions get a bit out of whack from time to time. I am sure these are exacerbated by reading the hate-filled words that fill the Facebook timelines. The world is not going to hell in a hand basket because school children don't say the Pledge of Allegiance anymore (my public school child still says it daily in class). Obama is not causing the demise of Earth. The world is not going to hell any faster or any differently than it ever has before. Muslims are not ruining the world. No, they should not be deported, or rounded up and imported into a database, or IN ANY WAY, have to explain their religious beliefs.  This is not Nazi Germany. Remember all those millions of Jews (see also: refugees) that were murdered? Refugees are not ruining the world. To say they are... it's disgusting. Today, refugees are running from a war that our country had a hand in creating. Do people forget how generally fucked up the world has always been? In fact, when has the world not had fucking awful things going on? If you feel the world is so god awful, be the change. Posting bullshit memes on social media is not being the change. Being the change is fucking educating yourself. This does not include hitting the share button on every politically charged, and likely factually inaccurate post you read on Facebook. Do some due diligence. Is the shit you're sharing even true? If it's on Facebook and has no source attached, it's probably bullshit. Remember that. Even if it has a source attached, is it factual or just propaganda? Read. Research. Fucking. Educate. Yourself.

One more rant. Pity parties are not pretty. Stop. A party of one is not a fun party to be at. Pull up your bootstraps, your panties, grab those fucking chonies and get yourself together. Everybody else's happiness was not put here to highlight your sad existence. In fact, the only thing that highlights a sad existence is you - highlighting your sad existence. There is always a reason to be happy. This does not mean you have to be happy all the time - this means try being happy sometimes. Appreciate the things you do have. Appreciate that you live in a first world country. Clean water and food are not only accessible, but so are cigarettes, liquor, soda, and fast food. Every vice you can imagine, you can EASILY ACCESS. Hell, take a minute to appreciate the fact that you are not a refugee trying to find safety for your refugee children while being compared to terrorists. 

And on a final note, realize how privileged you are.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Hello. It's me.

I've gotten very little done lately, both on the business and pleasure sides of life. Lyric is very much like her big brother was in his first 11 months - high needs. Some of the words and phrases that doctors use to describe a high needs baby are: intense, draining, feeds frequently, demanding, can't put baby down, super sensitive. The list continues on, but these are what describe my Lyric most closely. On the bright side, my high needs baby Avery is a sweet, calm, lovely little boy Avery - and has been since he outgrew that first year of fussiness. So, there's hope for Lyric yet. :) Anyway, having a high needs 4 month old does not make getting things done real easy - especially when she is currently battling an ear infection and teething, to boot. 

There are lots of laundry piles (albeit, clean - the washing is easy, but putting Baby down long enough to accomplish folding...). I do manage to keep a clean kitchen 99% of the time (I couldn't handle it otherwise). The bed gets made usually around 6pm at night. And the little business venture I've become a part of recently (more about that later)... Needless to say, it's been a bit difficult to set aside time for that.  And those aren't even counting any kind of pleasure activities. I've been wanting to blog for weeks - I think about it, and I think some more, and my brain just sits there in fizzle mode. There are thoughts in there, swirling about, but grabbing ahold and organizing them into something worth actually reading is a whole 'nother problem.

I have started to feel the 'there's more to me than mommy' bug lately, as most stay at home moms feel at some point in time. In fact, I know I've blogged about it a time or two in my nearly 7 years of blogging. I've found myself back at this stay at home mom thing for the 3rd time in 6 years. This time, though, feels much different, despite many similar feelings.  The first time around, it was the first time around - I struggled with loneliness with a soldier husband frequently gone and few friends in a foreign country, but I was high on life as a young newlywed.  The second time around, I struggled with postpartum depression, the terrible twos, a high needs infant, and spousal infidelity with a still-often-gone soldier. This time, I am a newlywed again, still deep in the honeymoon phase with my husband (and not entirely sure that will end). He is here every night and weekend, and despite our four kids between us, I feel I manage time and sanity pretty well when you consider the high needs 4 month old and the older, but still needy 3, 4, and 6 year olds. Sometimes though, my sanity hits the road and I feel my days are chopped in half, wondering where my emotional stability and my time have wandered off to. 

The only solution for this is finding something for myself. I get a little of this nightly once the kids are in bed, and my husband and I get to focus on each other. But these times come when we are, more often than not, on the brink of exhaustion. Still though, I am grateful that we always allow ourselves time together daily, no matter how brief. 

Anyway, despite how fortunate I am for these times with my husband, I know that time for Hilary must still be found and  taken, no matter how difficult. After Avery was born, I buried myself in fitness - I ran miles upon miles on the days when my husband wasn't off playing Army in another state, or working the graveyard shift as a cop. And on those frequent days when he was doing one of those two things, I had Turbo Fire. My soulmate workout. I lost 85 pounds after my second child was born. I fell in love with sweating my ass off. I found strength in myself I'd never had and had unbelievable body image. I was strong. I lost sight of all that when I separated from my husband and I packed on the pounds that became harder and harder to shed. 

But I have recently given birth to my third child, and have been reminded of the passion and desire I have to be the best version of myself that I can be. I deserve it. My husband deserves it. My kids deserve it. This time, I am only 35 pounds from where I was back then. I am 50 lbs closer than I was last time, and I am ready. I have more modifications to make this time because of the knee I obliterated a couple of years ago, but what's life without a challenge? I am happier, more motivated, I am better when I am fit.  I have become a fitness coach with Beachbody. I swear by their products and I live them. It is only natural that I want to share my love of them. In fact, the 176 pound plateau that I have been absolutely unable to surpass since late September was broken this week because I started drinking Shakeology again. Plateau broken and an additional 2 pounds gone.  I am doing it for many reasons - I love the company, I love the company's CEO, and if I can turn someone else onto the products I love by being a product of the product, I will always consider that a win. Here's to being a mom, being a newlywed, being Hilary, and here's to pursuing my dreams every single day from this point forward.