Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Crooked Days Left Behind

After the crazy month of May that our family endured, I am excited that June has arrived. The due date for Lyric Olivia is one month from today, and I am both excited and nervous, as I'm sure any parent-to-be is at 36 weeks. We were fortunate to get into a replacement vehicle last week, which has been an absolute relief and weight off since the wreck. One weekend with three preschoolers buckled side by side by side in a compact sedan was enough to have me racing toward the dealership in search of a solution. Luckily, we found something very similar to what we had to begin with, and thanks to some connections I had from my car sales days, we got a wonderful deal on it. And that actually brings me to what inspired this blog post.

While at the dealership, I ran into a lot of my old coworkers who all seemed both happy to see me, and pleasantly surprised to see that I was purchasing a minivan with my new husband for our soon-to-be size 6 family. One friend we ran into, and ended up handling the bulk of our purchase, was someone I became particularly close to while I was delving into the world of car sales. This person was something of a mentor and confidant. In catching up with this person, they stated, "I'm so happy for you, I can tell you're in a much better place". I relish in these words because I know how true they are. I know how far I've come and how much I've grown. "Back then, I worried a lot about you", this person said to me. "I was that much of a mess, huh?", I jokingly retorted. But the response to that intended rhetorical question was affirmation that, yes, indeed, I was a hot mess at the time. I don't know that anyone should be judged for the long term based on who they were during such a tumultuous time in their lives, and I'm grateful more that I made it through so much with only the memories as a lasting reminder.

I gained and lost a lot of friends, but my family was always there for me, even when they understandably could have chosen not to be. But losing the friends I did typically ended up being the best thing that could have happened at the time. But because of all of the friends that came and went, I was weary of walking into a place that was witness to how haphazardly I was living back then. As it turned out, though, seeing people from my past filled me with pride and confidence. I am proud of who I have become, of how much I have grown up. I am confident in who I am, of the life that I am living. And I am happy to have this blog to always remind me of where I have come from. I have realized, above all else, that I have actually nothing to be ashamed of. I can't change the places I've been or the experiences I indulged in. It has taken a lot of growing up to not be embarrassed anymore by the road of partying and late nights that I ventured down. In retrospect, I had the same experiences that just about everyone has. It was just that mine were out of order from the norm, which left me with this terrible sense of disappointment in myself. But really nothing has gone the way I ever expected in my life. From my early marriage,  motherhood, and divorce, to my futile attempts to join the military, to where I am now. It has been quite an adventure.  In the back of my head, I do wonder, "what's next?", but I am actively trying to let go and just be.  Because in all reality, there's no way of having any idea what the following chapters will entail.