Wednesday, March 2, 2016

A tale of bullshit.

I have to wonder if I will ever overcome the struggle that began 4 years ago. I find myself daydreaming (day-nightmaring?) almost every single day about being cheated on. Not in the I-think-my-husband-would-cheat-on-me kind of way, but in the let-me-create-an-elaborate-tale-of-how-he-could-cheat-on-me kind of way. And I don't even realize that I'm doing it until the stupid tale has already been spun.

It's unfair to myself to continually be in this mindset that no matter what I do or how hard I love or the passion that I try to put into being a wonderful wife, the voice inside will never allow myself to believe that who I am will always be enough. This is basically what I was getting at in my post from two years ago, when I talked about how I felt that I was Never enough.

The hardest part about the tornado that my mind sends itself into is that I have zero, none, absolutely no reason to ever feel that my husband would so much as think about another woman in the way that only I, his wife, should be thought of.  But still, time after time, my brain works itself into a long line of thought about things that maybe I should have done differently that could maybe one day lead to being cheated on again.  What I mean by that is - I question myself constantly.  I wasn't very chipper this morning, what if a random woman he works with is more cheerful than I was this morning?  I didn't put on make up yesterday, I bet he noticed and wonders why I'm not putting effort into myself.  I still have the rest of the baby weight to lose, I wonder if it took his ex wife this long to lose the baby weight.  Let me be clear, I have an unbelievably supportive and uplifting husband.  I really mean that.  He calms these unreasonable fears and never jump starts the cycle of thought by his own doing.  But inevitably and unfairly, there they always are. 

I don't know how to break this cycle, so instead I just get angry.  I divert my anger towards my ex husband who is responsible for this damage to my mind and my spirit.  In our years of marriage, the idea of a person cheating on another person - that's just in the movies, right?  That could surely never happen to us because.  Because.  So I never unfairly gave way to any thought about him ever cheating on me, and then he so kindly took my love and trust into the arms of another woman, and broke me in the process.  I truly feel from the bottom of my soul that it was for the best that I became the cheated on wife because, in all honesty, I never could have felt the happiness I feel now.  I was happy in the marriage, sure.  If anyone had ever asked,  I would have gone into a long winded speech of praise for my faithful and loving husband and our wonderful marriage.  But now that I am on the other side, I was so naive.  I wasn't happy - I was content.  I poured most of my energy into making friends online that could sympathize with my situation of displaced Army wife.  He focused his energy on work and physical training and video games and baseball.  I focused my energy on kids and military spouse forums.  We didn't spend time together; we merely spent time alone within feet of each other.  It was probably the perfect storm to create infidelity, though I never would have seen it for myself in the moment. 

My point is - what I experience now in my relationship is far beyond that.  I am happier, more fulfilled, and grateful, so grateful for what my life consists of now. But that is why the torment I put myself through is so much more terrible.  My husband doesn't deserve to be mentally placed into these situations where I imagine the countless ways he could one day break my heart.  I trusted wholeheartedly a man that would crush me, and because of that, I don't allow myself to extend this same courtesy of trust to my husband when he is someone who undoubtedly deserves it. It doesn't help that infidelity is everywhere, always planting ridiculous seeds and new, fun scenarios that I just drop myself and my husband right into.  In the middle of reading a wonderful book about a lovely couple (man, these two remind me of Spencer and me!), BAM! The man decides to cheat on his girlfriend out of nowhere.  Girl moves on from this broken heart and later gets married to a seemingly great guy.  Years later, BAM! Her husband is caught sleeping with her boss.  What the fuck, world?  Why is infidelity so fun to write about?  Why is it always included in just about every story line of every book and movie I seem to find?  (I'm looking you in the eyes, Love Actually.)

Now, all of that aside, I know I have the issue here.  I'm not sure how to overcome this.  I honestly fear that I never will.  On the one hand, I know that it is contained inside my own head and would never cause any actual doubt or mistrust towards my husband, but on the other hand, who wants to have to deal with that forever because of some jerky ex-husband's actions?  It is not fun, and I am determined to squash those nightmare bunnies (get it? like dust bunnies?) back into the deep, dark crevices of my brain.  Or better yet, I'd love to just Swiffer those bastards right the fuck out of there.  Wish me luck.

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