Repeat.

The T-shaped demon lay on a washcloth, staring at me, while heavy tears ran down the length my body.  My chest heaved with every sob, and I struggled to catch my breath. Just outside the bathroom door, I could hear my two children giggling and playing, having a real moment together, while just inside the bathroom door, I was having a moment all my own.  This minute piece of plastic has been treacherous. Detrimental to my health mentally, physically, emotionally.  If this recountment seems a bit dramatic, over the top, that's because everything having to do with the Mirena has been over the top, dramatic.

Four years ago, I made what I called "the best decision I've ever made regarding my health" when I chose to get my Mirena IUD removed. It had caused immediate and severe postpartum depression in myself, and had turned my sweet, chubby little infant into a non-sleeping, fussy, and forgive me for saying it - nearly intolerable little child. I didn't realize the connection for months, but eventually threw the timeline together and it became clear that these problems started after placement of my Mirena. I made a vow to myself then that I would never go down that dark path again.  So when my midwife asked me, following the birth of my youngest child if I wanted a Mirena, I mildly questioned it, but eventually decided it was the best route. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking.

Lyric has been a baby, nearly identical in nature to her big brother, Avery, as an infant. Fussy, non-sleeping, oftentimes intolerable. Why it took me 6 months (again) to make the connection to the Mirena, I don't know. I dare say it was negligible on my part to both our healths.  I have been temperamental, sad, lonely when my husband is giving me his full  attention, and anxious over just about everything under the sun. My husband might even say I was a bit intolerable at times. I again had chalked it all up to postpartum anxiety, something that no doubt comes with the territory. We had, after all, gone from individual households to a blended family of 6 in a fairly short amount of time. But the way I was feeling every single day was beyond this day to  day stress. This was entire-world-on-my-shoulders stress. How-am-I-going-to-live-my-life-like-this stress. It was obvious to my husband that I was struggling, but if I'm being completely honest, my struggles were a lot darker down in there than even I had let on to him.

I am just over 24 hours past removal, and that is over 24 hours since I felt a proverbial boulder lift off my back. It will take an adjustment for my body to get used to the hormonal changes, but I am never going back. It is scary what something so small and seemingly insignificant can do to your health. I am done not having control over my own body. My tears yesterday stood for change. They stood for mental health and clarity. This begins a chapter of healthier, happier days marked by healthier, happier choices for us all.