I had a conversation this evening about friendships and loyalties and how the two are connected. I feel like I learn something new about myself every time I get into any kind of intellectual conversation with others. I still struggle with events that have gone down that affected me. I’m told that I am extremely loyal friend, and until today, I saw that as a very positive quality. Upon further thought and assessment, I’m not so sure. I feel like I give people way too leniency and forgive far too easily. I get nostalgic and cling to memories. A familiar song comes on or my eyes fixate on a date on the calendar, and I get all chummy remembering this or that or him or her. It’s a ridiculous quality of mine.
I have no idea how to process the things I feel about situations that have hurt me in the past. Is it worth my time and energy and friendship to continue to feed and fuel friendships that still surround with me painful heartache and a sick stomach? Although Jesse and I have ended our marriage every way but legally (yet), he continues to break my heart again and again. I guess that’s to be expected when little kids are in the mix and some sort of amicable ground is trying to be found, but damn it, it still stings and cuts like a knife. I know I need to reevaluate what I’ve stood for, apologies I’ve given, and where my loyalties lie, but I feel clueless in how to do that, and just when I think I’ve figured it out, those ridiculous memories come around making me feel all nostalgic again.