I've been swirling my last several relationships in my head all day, wondering how to make them stop affecting my life. I realized though, after much thought, that the only way my last relationships won't affect my present and future relationships is if I consciously, day after day, don't allow them to. At least that's what I have to do for now. I'm sure, once my past isn't so closely past, that it won't be conscious at all. But right now, when my past isn't really all that past for me, it's something I'm going to have to work at. My past relationships destroyed themselves, so why should I, even for a moment, give them the chance to destroy anything else? I've touched on why my marriage ended, but not really my relationships since.
In each scenario, things ended because, at the end of the day, who I am wasn't enough for the person I was with. Whether it was one rash decision to choose another woman, or the baggage, if you will, that my marriage handed me, or just some physical aspect of myself that someone didn't like, I wasn't enough. But I'm trying to teach myself that that's okay. If I wasn't enough for that person, the relationship would never have been a happy one anyway. But to someone, maybe I will be enough. Maybe, just maybe, the man I'm with now, will always find that I am enough, now and henceforth. It's tough because the inner, self conscious, low esteemed Hilary likes to repeat in my brain the many reasons why I'll never be enough. But the strong, confident Hilary tries to shush her down and tell me that I am enough. Who I am and the baggage I hold is exactly what someone in this world will love one day. It's a battle fought day by day, even hour by hour, but I won't allow my past to dictate my future anymore. I am enough.