Saturday, December 21, 2013

Look for the stars as the sun goes down.

I truly had the best intentions of following up my last blog post with the rest of my MPFL surgery story, but... I just can't.  I planned to write it out, week by week, struggle by struggle by victory by victory, but I just can't convince myself to relive it right now.  I've come such a long way, and I am so proud of myself, but to be truly honest, that doesn't make the last three months of struggles and pain suck any less. :)

I had my brief moments of "why me?" when it comes to my injury and subsequent surgery, but they were short lived, as I just kept thinking about how absolutely minor this whole ordeal has been in comparison to what some people go through on a daily basis.  I just can't bring myself to play the self-pity game.  At least I have my health.  At least I have my legs.  At least I will be able to run again one day.  My situation could absolutely be so much worse.  But it's not, and I'm ever so grateful.

Speaking of self-pity... I've stepped away from doing that in the last several months, and I feel so much better for it.  I went through all the phases of "why did I have to face divorce?", "why did I have to get cheated on?", "why did I have to get broken up with?", "why did my kids have to move away?", yadda, yadda, yadda.  Finally, it was like something clicked, and I thought to myself, "Got it, Hilary, life sucked for awhile.  But look where you are because of it."  And you know, life is pretty damn good.  Granted, I'm a struggling single mother, full-time college student... but I won't always be.  I have an awesome best friend/boyfriend - all in one sweet, handsome package, two of the silliest, smartest, most clever children I could imagine, and the opportunity to do great things with my life via the college education I'm getting that so many people never have a fighting chance at getting.  I just can't look at those three things, and feel bad about my life. 

It's not always easy to skip the self loathing, woe-is-me route, but it's getting easier.  I started down that path this week when I realized that my kids are only getting one gift from me (well, Santa...).  But so what?  They don't care.  They'll still be getting gifts from their daddy, and their grandparents.  And even if that one gift was the only one they got, it's one gift more than a lot of children will be waking up to this year on Christmas morning.  And sometimes I start down that path when I think about how badly I want to throw off my brace and go for a run.  And then I remember the people who will never run again, for whatever reason they might have, and waiting three more months just doesn't seem like such a big deal.  Being a single mom sucks?  Yeah, until I think about the support system I have to make life so much easier.  A sister who watches my kids when I need to go to work or school without batting an eye.  A boyfriend who is so unbelievably good at understanding my daughter, and plays with my kids when I'm just trying so hard to finish dinner.

I look around at my life, and realize that I am such a lucky person.  This post is not in any way meant to be boastful, but just as a downright realization that it's high time to truly look at what I've got going on, and be so thankful for the all of the negatives I've faced to bring me to the positives I have right now.

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