5.1.15

Marriage is really freaking hard. I'm not kidding. I have a hard enough time knowing what the hell is going on inside of my own head most of the time, but in a marriage? I feel like I have to also know what is going on inside of somebody else's head. It is probably... No, definitely... the hardest thing I have ever done. Parenting comes semi-naturally, I think. Sure, I may be screwing them up in the long run, but I at least feel confident while I am making the decisions. In a marriage, I feel like I am always guessing, like one of those Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books. It is scary, and most days I feel like I am failing at making the 'right' decisions. Marriage takes a lot more than just loving someone, that's for sure. It is scary and real and it will make you feel like you have no fucking idea what you are doing.

Clearly, tonight has been one of those nights where I have no idea what happened or why I am up right now with no idea of what the last two hours entailed. But ya know what? I fucking love him, and I will go to the ends of this Earth to figure out how a fully functioning marriage works because by God, I can't imagine life without this wonderful, sexy, incredibly smart & talented man by my side because I don't want to. 

I feel like I have never been married before because marriage has never felt like 'this' before. 'This' means scary & real &, did I mention, scary? It means stupid arguments over text messages and completely misreading each other some nights. It means screwing up and having no idea how to push the reset button, but trying (and failing) to push it anyway. It is all of the hugs and kisses and love you could ever possibly want, but maybe not all in one night. It is not knowing what the fuck I am talking about, but absolutely loving and appreciating the man fast asleep beside me because there is no other soul on this planet that I would rather do this life with.

Marriage: it's funny and terrifying and completely fly-by-night. Spencer, what the hell are we doing? I don't know, but I want more. I know I am crazy and confusing and you know what? I love you.