Get ready, 'cause here I come.

I think I start the majority of my posts off with some rendition of “It’s been so long since I updated, and so much has happened… blah blah blah”, that it feels redundant to start another one off like that, but well…. It’s been so long since I updated, and so much has happened. :P  I’m having one of those “where to even start?” moments.  

In the last month, I’ve managed to start my fall semester, break my knee, start a new job, throw my daughter’s 4^th birthday party, get my divorce finalized, and meet a wonderful guy.  I’ll skip the boring stuff, and just say that I somehow managed to break my patella on my first day of class, which resulted in a lot of pain, a huge injury, a stack of medical bills, and massive surgery in less than a week.  Like I said, boring stuff.  Perhaps I’ll go into more detail after the surgery is behind me and I’m holed up in my bed for two weeks.  

My new job is awesome.  I’m working in the box office for a concert venue, and it’s turning out to be a lot of fun.  I worked the Mumford & Sons concert last night, and I loved the atmosphere and the fast paced movement of what I was doing.  Classes are going well so far, despite having missed nearly two weeks after my injury.  I’m maintaining A’s across the board, and I’m very pleased with myself.  It’s wonderful to have a feeling of accomplishment when you get a good test grade back that you know you studied hard for.  

My girl hasn’t yet turned 4 years old, but we did throw her 4^th birthday party last week, and it was a little bit of an emotional day for me.  I can’t even believe that my girl is already well past toddlerhood and bounding into straight up childhood.  I went back and checked out the blog I wrote from when Cori was born, and it’s just mind blowing that it’s been nearly 4 years.  Have I said that enough?  Time flies, man, especially when you’re a parent.  I think life turns to super speed when you became a mama or a daddy.  Anyway, her party was Disney princess themed, full of Rapunzel and Sofia the First, and pretty much anything purple and girly.  She had a couple of tantrums, but overall, she did well, based on her personality and overall disposition.  I invited several friends and lots of family, and I was so glad to see the people I love come together to celebrate my girl.  She’s worth it all.

 

Anyway, I’ll save the divorce and new guy part of my story for my next post.  It’ll be tonight, promise, but I have to run for now.

My Happy Place

I was going through some old files this weekend, and found all of the papers I wrote my freshman year of college. One particular paper left me so cheerful. The assignment was to write about a place we've been that always leaves us feeling happy. I wrote about downtown Greenville, SC - just the spot I would write about if I was given that assignment today. So here goes, here's my happy place paper. It's almost unbelievable just how much has changed since it was written 6 years ago.

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December 5, 2007


As I swerve around the curves of Interstate 385, I know what is coming up next.  I pass the Haywood Mall on my left, and the flashy neon sign of a strip club on my right, and I know I'm almost there.  The interstate ends, and as I drive under an overpass, it's hard to control my excitement.  One more light and I'll finally be back to my happy place: downtown Greenville, SC.  It is the one place I never grow tired of -- the place I have had so many happy memories and happy times; the place I spent months of my life working day after day, and still, I love it.

 Starting at the top of the street are the high-class bars and the Hyatt hotel, where a beautifully lit Christmas tree sits in the middle of a fountain every year.  Bright Budweiser and Heineken lights sit in the windows of bars as people stumble out into the street, happily inebriated.  Across the street, the lovely patio of the Piazza Bergamo quietly sits, a holiday carousel resting after a long day.  The plastic animal faces of the rides even seem to doze off, worn out from providing a comfortable spot to ride for the small, smiling faces of the city all day.

The red and white candy striped awnings of Woolworth's reminds me of the tasty foods I used to get in that very spot as a child. But the tasty foods are no more, as the building is vacant now, empty and lonely, with only fading red and white colors left to remind the city of what once was.

On the opposing corner sits a Sticky Fingers, and across the street is a small sushi restaurant. Next door is a Mexican cafe, and even further down is the O*Cha tea bar, where the hippies of the city sit and talk with one another.  Continuing further down the street, the elaborate, fancy Wachovia bank sits, nudged between a Quizno's and a Port City Java.  Countless times I have spent at this coffee shop, pouring my thoughts into words on my laptop, and sipping hot chocolate well into the darkness of night.  During the day, men and women with briefcases and crisply pressed suits march out of the bright bank building next door.  By night, the building sits locked up and dark, with only a light shining on the small ATM that sits out front.

The street is lined with tall trees and lampposts.  My memory stirs when I see the tall trees and I think about when they were first planted, more than a decade ago.  Now the mature trees are covered in netted Christmas lights, sparkling and bright, beckoning people to rejoice in the holiday season.

As I walk along the sidewalk, a group of men, bundled up for the chilly weather, all seeming to have somewhere to be, something to do.  Teenaged boys and their smiling beauties saunter by, holding hands and cuddling close for warmth and love.  Every now and then, a group of two or three children race past, tagging each other and erupting in giggles.  Soon after, the parents of these tiny people stroll past, enjoying he time out of the house to reflect and watch the children they are raising. 

Further down the street is the familiar sign of Bellacino's.  The restaurant I once worked in, where I made friends I'll never forget, and learned patience like I never knew.  The bright red and green "Open" sign bids passerbys to step in for a quick bite to eat.  The inside is empty, like it usually is in the chilly autumn months, and only a few workers are inside, sweeping and trying to pass the time.  On the opposite side of the street is the Westin Poinsett Hotel.  Over the past decade, the hotel has seen significant changes.  Not many years ago, the hotel was the local hangout spot for high school dropouts and drug dealers.  Busted glass and spray painted brick ornamented the building, but now, it is a luxurious five-star hotel.  In recent months, it has accommodated several actors and actresses, even having been the setting of a George Clooney movie coming out in a few months.  The fountain out front and the beautifully decorated revolving doors, complete with garland and red bows, are truly a gem of downtown Greenville.

Continuing down Main Street, the Greenville News building sits on the next corner, just across from the Peace Center for Performing Arts.  The beautiful auditorium is home to many events every year.  From the Singing Christmas Tree to comedians like Lewis Black, it is a place that brings many people to Greenville's beautiful downtown area.  Each time I pass by the Peace Center's theater, I am reminded of the two times I performed within its brick walls.

 Beyond the Peace Center is where the natural beauty really starts.  The rushing Reedy River passes beneath the concrete bridge of Main Street.  Sidewalks with chalk paintings line the river, and black iron tables and chairs dot the areas around the water.  The most climactic part of downtown is near, as the street is followed still further.  Just around the bend of a realty company's building lies the newest and most beautiful picture in downtown Greenville.  The focal point of the city is the beautiful bridge that crosses the Reedy River over the Falls Park.  It is the perfect example of man's amazing creativity alongside nature's simplistic beauty.  The suspension bridge is wide and long, and if you stand very still, as you look over the cabled rails, you can feel the bridge just barely swaying with the feet of people walking by.  Down below, people sit on the banks of the river, and children jump from rock to rock in the waterfall, even in the chilly weather.  In Spring, it becomes the backdrop for prom and wedding pictures, and is even home to an outdoor amphitheatre, where plays by Shakespeare are portrayed by local, aspiring actors.  Dogs pull on leashes held tightly by their owners as they take in the sights and sounds of the beautiful park.  A garden on a hill is slowly closing up with the cold temperatures, but it is only resting until next year, when its buds can come back in full force and beauty.

This is the ultimate stop on the tour of my downtown.  It is calm.  It is beautiful. It is my home, and it is my happy place. 

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Not ready.

A few months back, I said something in passing on a blog post about how I’d only had feelings for one person since separating from Jesse. I mentioned how I didn’t know if it would ever progress past friendship, but sort of acknowledged at that point (at least, internally), that I wanted things to hopefully turn into something. Just a couple of weeks later, I was the lucky girl getting asked out by the boy she’d been crushing on for eight long months. I had some apprehension, since this would be the first relationship since my eight years with Jesse, but after a lot of talking and thinking, I knew it was something I not only wanted, but was ready for. Boy, was it lovely.

Was. It ended too soon, and I’m not ready for it. I really, really like this guy. I’m not yet at the point where I’m ready to start settling down again. I’ve got school to finish, a divorce to finalize, and just in general, life plans to figure out. I still need time to not have the stresses of a super serious relationship upon me. I don’t need or want that. Even so, I was thinking to the future with this guy. Beginning to have those thoughts like maybe it could go somewhere, eventually. It wasn’t just some cute, sweet boy that I enjoyed spending time with. I was getting to know him – to learn about his aspirations, his fears, sentimental moments from his past. We were growing. It sort of all ended in a flash though, and although I won’t get into details, I’ll just say that I’m crushed. I wasn’t ready for this to end. I wanted more. I know there’s more there to be felt and said and had.

Above all of that though, where the hell did this come from? I didn’t know I was at the point right now where a break up would hurt this bad. I hadn’t proclaimed my love for this guy or anything, so I certainly didn’t expect it to hurt so bad when I realized… this is it. Done. When did I even allow my heart to open up to that kind of hurt? I hadn’t realized I had. Screw break ups. This is a terrible feeling.

Tiny Bare Feet

Summer marches on, and July is barreling towards my family, ready or not. On July 1, 2012, my sister and her husband gave birth to a beautiful, full term little girl named Clara Edith Webb. Clara never made it home. Taken far too soon, little Clara was stillborn. I think we’ve all tried to rationalize why something so horrible could happen to someone so undeserving – the most innocent of all creatures. There is no rationalization to be made – a precious little life hung suspended above the heads of the Webb family for 43 weeks, as they planned and prepared and celebrated the beautiful baby about to bless their lives. When I think about Clara, I wish that I could just believe in the comforts of heaven – that this little one is being cradled up above, rocked in the arms of others in our lives that are gone but not forgotten. It is warm feeling to imagine my own Grandma Edith rocking her great granddaughter, singing songs she probably sang to my dad 60 years ago, and passing them on to Clara.

I know that I haven’t been the support that I could have been for Heather and David, as they’ve dealt with the trauma over the last nearly 12 months. My nieces, Lakin and Addah, have had to learn to balance not only with the stresses of being a tween today, but the recovery process of learning to wrap their own 10 and 11 year old minds around the loss of their baby sister. I don’t know that anyone really knows what to say to someone dealing with this type of loss, learning how to pick up the pieces, and move forward. If love is truly all we need, we’d have baby Clara here today, probably learning how to walk and say things like “Mama” and “Dada”, and we’d all be about to celebrate her 1st birthday. Clara is a beautiful flower, never given the chance to bloom. I think Winnie the Pooh was right – sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart. I think we’ll all be able to hear the pitter patter of Clara’s little footprints in our hearts, her beautiful voice silenced for reasons none of us know. We can’t count the breaths she took, but she’s left us all breathless in different ways, a reminder that life’s precious moments are far too special, sometimes fleeting much too fast.

Heather and David, I love you. I’m here for you. I always am. I’m sorry that I don’t know what to say, or how to react when you talk about Clara. But I am, and will always be, the shoulder of support whenever you need it. You are both so strong, and I’ve admired both of your courageousness over the last year, the realizations you both have made, and the incredible ways you have coped and picked up the pieces you never should have had to pick up.

Sweet Clara, you will always be remembered and loved. Happy Birthday, little one.

To ready Clara's birth story, visit Heather's blog, The Destiny Manifest, at this link.

Where Loyalties Lie.

I had a conversation this evening about friendships and loyalties and how the two are connected. I feel like I learn something new about myself every time I get into any kind of intellectual conversation with others. I still struggle with events that have gone down that affected me. I’m told that I am extremely loyal friend, and until today, I saw that as a very positive quality. Upon further thought and assessment, I’m not so sure. I feel like I give people way too leniency and forgive far too easily. I get nostalgic and cling to memories. A familiar song comes on or my eyes fixate on a date on the calendar, and I get all chummy remembering this or that or him or her. It’s a ridiculous quality of mine.

I have no idea how to process the things I feel about situations that have hurt me in the past. Is it worth my time and energy and friendship to continue to feed and fuel friendships that still surround with me painful heartache and a sick stomach? Although Jesse and I have ended our marriage every way but legally (yet), he continues to break my heart again and again. I guess that’s to be expected when little kids are in the mix and some sort of amicable ground is trying to be found, but damn it, it still stings and cuts like a knife. I know I need to reevaluate what I’ve stood for, apologies I’ve given, and where my loyalties lie, but I feel clueless in how to do that, and just when I think I’ve figured it out, those ridiculous memories come around making me feel all nostalgic again.

Attached.

I met a friend for late night appetizers and a beer tonight, just to hang out and catch up since it's been a little while since we'd been able to do that. Upon updating him of the last couple of weeks of my life and some shared stories between us, he proclaimed that I get too easily attached to people. Immediately, I began defending myself, and the subject quickly changed to something completely unrelated. But I keep thinking about what he said, and realizing how true that really is. I'm not sure why I find myself getting so close to people so quickly, but I think it's something I need to work on. As a result of my attachment, I end up taking things personally that I know shouldn't be, and getting my feelings hurt by people who shouldn't have that sort of power over me.

Since my separation from Jesse, I've gone on lots and lots of dates. Realistically, more than I could probably remember or count. Of all of those dates and people, I've only found myself having true feelings for one person that have stuck with me for several months now. I'm not confident that anything will ever come of that particular friendship, but it's nice to think and wonder about. Sure enough, I've felt little flutters from other dates I've been on, but they quickly dwindled or the chemistry was never there, yet somehow I still find myself getting attached, no matter what. How do you change that? How do you tell yourself to chill out and just let things happen as they happen? I feel like I need a guidebook on dating and relationships. Any suggestions? No seriously, I feel like I'm a confused girl in middle school getting flutters when any cute boy's eyes happen to cross me, and that's just not sensible for a grown woman.

I have much more to say, but it's got to be saved for another day. 11:25pm and my eyelids are feeling heavy and begging to close. Update soon, I promise.

Voices tell me I should carry on.

I've been writing this blog post in my head for weeks now, thinking of the things I need to say, things I need to get out. But when I sit down to do it, my head goes fuzzy and I can't manage to pull the thoughts to my fingertips. I guess a steady stream of conscious thought is the only way I'll ever be able to get out what I need to. I'm hoping this is therapeutic for me, since so much has gone on that I haven't been able to process yet.

I'm trying to figure out how my life is in the state that it's in now, and I'm no closer to figuring it out than when I started over a year ago. I'm nowhere where I thought I'd be when I was picturing my future, and I have no idea where I'm going. I've been separated for 8 months (as of today, actually). I thought I'd have started to move on by now, but I still cry for the family that will never be again. I've tried everything within my own power to make my husband fix mistakes that were made on his part, but it's not something he's willing to do or even feels capable of doing. Nothing I say is convincing enough, and I'm left wondering what I could have done to be so unwanted by my best friend in the whole world. I never asked to be cheated on, I never asked for this separation, and I certainly didn't ask not to see my children every single day. But yet, all of those things happened, and I'm struggling to cope with where I go next.

Eight years I've spent as one half of an imperfectly perfect love. Through struggles and triumphs and laughs and giggles and tears and cuddles, I grew from a child of 15 into a woman of 22 with my hero by my side, and two beautiful children that joined us for the ride. But now I'm 23, and I live in a lonely one bedroom apartment with echoes of my children's laughter and blank spaces where their toys should be scattered. The bed I sleep in at night is mine alone, not the shared home of a husband and wife. Meals are fixed for one and hugs and kisses to my children are passed via video chat. It is a truly lonely place.

I've been thrown a lot of curveballs in my fairly short life, but this one was one I really never saw coming. From spending the first 5 months of my marriage alone while my husband served his country in Korea, to nearly losing my beautiful boy to a miscarriage, I've learned and grown and become a strong woman. But I don't think there's strength out there for the pain you feel when you learn the devastating news that you just weren't enough for your husband. But in spite of the struggles we've faced, he still holds the other half of my heart. I dream about him every night, and I see his face in all of the little reminders I find in my day to day life. Every song on the radio is about him and me, and every place from Greenville to Fort Polk and across the ocean has some memory tied to the last 8 years. He tells me I'll move on, but I can't begin to fathom how to move on from the kind of love we had. How in the world do you put that on a shelf and open the next chapter? My beautiful children carry the face of their father, and in their eyes, I see his love. Everyday, my heart breaks at the thought of all that I've lost at the hands of another woman. My children will never know what it's like to have parents that love each other, parents that live in the same house. At nearly 2 and 4 years old, they will have no recollection of what it was like when their parents were so madly in love that the rest of the world was a blur. They will never experience Christmas mornings with Mama and Daddy, and they'll never get to go on family vacations. They've lost so much that they never even had a chance to desire, and my heart breaks for them. They've been condemned to one parent homes for the rest of their childhood, and every day, they will wake up missing one of their parents, whether they are streets, states, or countries away. Mistakes were made that they hold no responsibility to, but bear the brunt of the consequences for.

Someone has to tell me that one day, this will all just be long lost memories, that life goes on, and one day, sooner or later, I will move on from this. On my drive home from Louisiana today, the majority of my time was spent listening to this song on repeat, and it continues to loop in my mind as I write this.


Just Give Me a Reason by Pink featuring Nate Ruess



"Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second, we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again."